FDA Warns that Vaping Increases Risk of Being Mistaken for Failed Indie Musician by 45 Percent

Amid concerns about the yet unknown health risks of smokeless alternatives to traditional tobacco products, FDA officials have released new data suggesting that the use of vaporizer pens can leave users up to 45 percent more susceptible to being mistaken for failed indie musicians, compared to both non-smokers and users of traditional cigarettes. In a study involving 4,000 tobacco consumers, those who use vape pens showed a 47% higher likelihood of knowing what a hurdy-gurdy is than their smokier counterparts, and a staggering 71% increased likelihood when compared to those who don't use tobacco. The study further revealed a 35% greater tendency among vape users toward singing a petering, atonal rendition of Simon & Garfunkel’s “Scarborough Fair” during karaoke than among non-smokers, with the chasm widening to 63% when compared to cigarette users. In light of these results, the FDA has released an official statement denouncing the practice of vaping as a "safe" alternative, cautioning that "while the use of these devices has so far proven significantly less harmful than traditional tobacco products, the positive correlation observed between vaping and rocking a 'supermodel meets Grapes of Wrath' aesthetic indicates a risk factor all too real." For all of its apparent risks, FDA officials did go on to note that users of vape pens were 87% less likely than cigarette smokers to be confused for the grizzled owner of a hot dog joint that talks tough but has a heart of gold.